Isn't he dead yet?
by Kloudy Reignfall
Summary: James and Sirius are reunited at the gates of Heaven. ...But isn't there someone important missing? They eventually begin to wonder if their dear friend Remus is ever going to die. Slash
1. The beginning of forever

Isn't he dead yet?! - by Kloudy Reignfall

Summary: James and Sirius are reunited at the gates of Heaven, but it's not quite like old times yet. They begin to wonder if Remus is ever going to hurry up and die.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Damn you if you thought I did.

Warnings: Slight (for now) slash implications.

OMG this is the shortest thing I've ever written. Haha! Sorry, this is just a teaser chapter! I'll continue it if I get some reviews, but it's basically just something to occupy my spare spare spare time. It was going to be longer, like a proper chapter, but what can I say? I got distracted!

The Beginning of Forever

Ooh, this ground is so squishy. It's like laying on clouds. Sigh So comfortable. Mm. And then Sirius opened his eyes. _Holy Fuck! It _is_ clouds! God Damn!_

"Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using the Lord's name in vain?"

A white-robed figure had appeared behind Sirius. He'd nearly jumped out of his skin. "Oh my God! 1. Who are you? 2. What are we standing on? 3. Where am I? 4. When did you get there? 5. Why are you dressed like that? And to finish off the list of questions, 6. How did you hear me?"

The white-clad man looked unblinkingly at Sirius, who was standing there, mouth wide open. Then he began to answer his questions. "1. I am the Gatekeeper. My name is Gabriel. 2. We are standing on clouds. 3. You are at the gate of Heaven. 4. I have always been here, you just didn't notice me before. 5. Everyone wears robes in Heaven. And 6. I can read your mind, that's how I heard you."

Holy Fucking Oh My God! Sirius thought.

"You know, I can still hear you," Gabriel said nonchalantly.

"Man this is gonna be fucking Hell!" Sirius yelled, as the gatekeeper scowled.

"Sir, would you please keep your voice down, and please not mention "You-Know-Where"."

Sirius, the smart-ass he was, quoted Dumbledore. "Fear of a name only increases fear of a thing itself!"

Gabriel rolled his eyes and approached Sirius, who back away. "Would you please cooperate, sir? I need you to change into these robes if you are to be admitted through the gates."

"Oh, _Hell no_!" Sirius exclaimed vehemently. "I refuse to be part of your toga party of cult or whatever you have goin' on up here!"

Sadly, Gabriel shook his head. "You leave me no choice." And with that he pounced.

The two were engulfed in one of those cartoon dust balls, struggling with each other. Occasionally, you could see a random arm or leg stick out, or hear Sirius's cries of "Rape! Help me!" or "Hey, don't touch me there!"

Despite Sirius's pleas for help and violent struggling, the fight was over within moments. And from the cartoon dust ball he came, scowling very obviously at his clothing. He was just about to pick another fight with Gabriel, but he heard a noise from beyond the golden gates.

"Whoo! _Sexy!_ Robes are definitely you, Paddy!"

Sirius turned to see who could be giving the sarcastic catcalls, and found, to his great surprise, someone he had been missing for the past fourteen years.

"PRONGS!!!!"

The End of the Beginning

Heh, sorry it was so short and crappy, but hey I'm not forcing it on anyone. Anyway, HP isn't my main fandom, so you can't expect any great things from me. I like HP and all, but I figure I'll leave most of the good writing to my friend, The It. (Looky Sage I'm advertising for you!)

Speaking of advertising, if you really love me at all, you'll read my other stories. (They're anime, but hey! I like 'em!)


	2. A continuation of the beginning

Isn't he dead yet?! - by Kloudy Reignfall

Summary: James and Sirius are reunited at the gates of Heaven, but it's not quite like old times yet. They begin to wonder if Remus is ever going to hurry up and die.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Damn you if you thought I did.

Warnings: Slight (for now) slash implications.

OMG I cannot believe I got so many reviews for this damn thing!!! That is fricking awesome!!! You all make me so happy! ::sob:: Anyway, since I realized that this is now the only story I have with less than two chapters I decided to write another and post it so that they're all at least almost even. :-D Hope you like it! (Btw it was written totally spur-of-the-moment, so it's a little crazy…)

Replies to Reviewers:  
DarkLadyOfRavenclaw: Thanks for being my first review!!!  
Barbarataku: I made someone cry at work? Hehe.  
KaliedescopeCat: Sorry, I have no idea who the Gatekeeper is supposed to be. I'm not religious, but Gabriel sounds like one of those religious names.  
Nikki and Sage: Hi guys! I miss you! Hope you like it! (Oh, can't wait til xmas, maybe we can finish our Random Volleyball story!)  
Sumrandumperson: Hey, you're smart! You guessed exactly what's gonna happen! Yay for smart readers! Lol  
And to the rest of you: Thank you so much for the review, but I can't write a reply to all of them…

READ IT!

Chapter 2 - Still the beginning of Forever

"PRONGS! What are you doing here?!"

James just blinked at his friend. "I'd dead, you idiot! Why else would I be here?"

Sirius just shrugged. "Maybe you were just visiting?"

Prongs shook his head and smiled. "Just get over here."

Sirius looked at the gates that separated the two best friends. They were big. And shiny. He liked shiny things. But they didn't look like they were moving. So he turned to the gatekeeper dude that was still standing behind him.

"Hey, guy. Wanna open these things for me?"

Gabriel glared. "Not until you apologize."

Ok, now Sirius was confused. Why should he apologize? He wasn't the one that tried to molest somebody!

"Apologize to the lord for your sinful behavior," Gabriel said, having read Sirius's thoughts.

He didn't wanna get into another fight with this creepy guy, so he just did what he was told. He got on his hands and knees and did one of those waving bow things, like a peasant at the feet of a king. "Oh, forgive me father for I have sinned!!!"

You had to be pretty deaf or stupid not to hear the sarcasm in his voice, and Gabriel didn't hear it, so he must have been one or the other.

Gabriel looked "at the camera" (which is to say, straight at us. No, we are not filming a movie!) and frowned.

"I'd appreciate if you took that back, young lady. Don't you know it's a sin to bad-mouth the lord's gatekeeper?"

Author girl stuck her tongue out at Gabriel. "I don't give a flying fuck! Go the Hell away, bastard!"

Gabriel looked indignant, but he just crossed his arms and got on with the story. He looked at Sirius, who was trying his very hardest to appear innocent, at least until he got past these large shiny barriers that were the gates of Heaven. Then he could act like he wanted. So Gabriel nodded and the gates swung slowly open. Almost nervously, Sirius took a deep breathe and stepped forward, through the golden gates.

A blinding white light flashed as he passed through, and when he opened his eyes he saw ---

"New York? What the fuck is this?"

James, standing right beside him, flung his arms wide. "Welcome to Heaven!"

Sirius took a look at James's face. "Oh my God, they've brainwashed you! Get away from me, Zombie!"

Prongs doubled over with laughter. "Hahaha! I'm not brainwashed, dipshit! I'm just really happy to see you!"

"Whew! Well, if that's the case…" Padfoot made a flying leap at his friend and glomped him to death. Well, not to death, ya know. He was already dead. "Ahhh!" he cried. "Prongsy, I've missed you so much!"

James grinned, very pleased. "I've missed you too!" Hmm, this was an interesting position they were in, Sirius with his legs wrapped around James, sobbing happily into his shoulder. It was almost tempting… But he restrained himself and set Paddy down on the pavement.

Sirius wiped his eyes and looked around. It really looked like they were standing in New York City. What the Hell was up with that? He turned to James for an explanation.

James looked around at the city. "Oh, this is just Downtown Heaven. It's where most of the people live most of the time. Upper Heaven is more the place for vacations and all the rich folks and angels."

Sirius just blinked stupidly. James laughed at that expression. It'd been such a long time since he'd be able to see that in person. "Oh, let me show you around!" he said to his friend.

The two walked around town for a while. James showed Sirius the parts of town where the streets were paved with gold, and he showed him the huge fountains of wine. They passed the giant superstore where you could buy things like Love and Happiness while shopping for your groceries. (Sirius was really tempted by the Freedom and Passion, but James reminded him that he didn't have any money.)

As they were walking, Sirius spotted two giant towers. "Whoa, what are those?" he asked, although he thought he knew the answer.

"What? Oh, you mean the Trade Towers? Ha, what? Did you think only humans went to Heaven?" James laughed and they continued on their merry way.

Eventually they came to a building that was just like most of the others (pretty rundown, but still sturdy looking), but which they stopped outside. Sirius looked expectantly at James, who grinned happily. "Well, this is home!"

Sirius suppressed the urge to say his opinion, which was something along the lines of "What?! You live in this shit hole? You gotta be kiddin' me!", and shrugged, following him inside.

They climbed up a flight of stairs and came out into a hallway, which was full of identical wooden doors. Some people's heads poked out--- young children, middle aged people, and old women in curlers. They waved friendlily at James and his new guest and then pulled their heads back inside. This slightly unnerved Sirius, but he spoke nothing of it.

Finally they came to the door at the end. It wasn't locked apparently, because James just strolled right in. Paddy followed.

It was a normal apartment. Kinda small, kinda dark because the shades were drawn over the big sliding glass door that led out onto the balcony. James walked over to them and pulled them back, revealing a balcony that looked out over a beautiful scene: a vast expanse of clouds through which Sirius could see bits of what might have been England.

He was entranced, but the spell was broken when Prongs laid a hand on his shoulder. He jumped a little bit at the contact, but his mind was pulled back to earth. …I take that back. His mind was pulled back into the clouds.

He looked around for a minute and then a question popped into his mind. "Hey, James, where's Lily?"

James scratched his head. "Oh, well she moved in with some beautiful _angel_ in Upper Heaven. We've been apart for a couple of years now, but she still comes down to visit me sometimes." His voice was heavy with hatred. Spiteful much?

Sirius moved to his best friend's side and gave him a big hug, more serious and nothing like the glomp from before. "I'm sorry.

He laughed, trying to play it off as nothing. Actually, their separation didn't bother him that much, but he did miss Lily sometimes. But he had an idea that cheered him up. "Hey, Sirius, come with me." He pulled his friend by the wrist into the hallway of his little apartment.

Sirius slowed down apprehensively as he saw they were heading for the bathroom. "Um, what are we doing in here…?" he asked, a little freaked out. Too many weird memories of things that had happened in bathrooms…

Prongs scoffed. "Geez, it's nothing like that, you pervert!" He knew exactly what Padfoot had been thinking. "I have something to show you." He got on his hands and knees by the bathtub, leaving the toilet for Sirius to sit on.

So Sirius sat, wondering what the hell was going on with his friend. James reached over and twisted the knobs, the faucet filling the porcelain tub with cold water. Then when it was more than halfway full, he turned off the faucet and grabbed a little cloth bag of powder from behind Sirius. James took some in his hands and sprinkled it across the surface of the water, watching it dissolve into the liquid.

"Now," he said, turning to Sirius, "Who do you want to see?"

Paddy gasped with excitement. So _this_ was how people in Heaven watched over their loved ones. He thought for a minute, and then said, "Definitely Harry."

Prongs smiled. "Yeah, he's my favorite to watch."

The surface of the water began to swirl and then a scene appeared within it.

The bedroom was furnished in beautiful deep greens and rich mahoganies. A blonde haired boy was sitting on the four-poster bed, looking at himself in a hand mirror. Then a knock came at the door.

"Who is it?" the blonde called.

The door cracked and Harry Potter slipped through, closing it carefully behind him. He looked at the blonde boy and sniffled. "Draco…" he cried pitifully.

In an instant Draco was across the room comforting the black-haired one. He pulled him over to the bed. "Shh… What's wrong, love?" he cooed.

"I… I just can't handle it anymore. I miss Sirius!"

Draco hugged Harry closer. "It'll be alright, okay? Everything will be fine."

Harry sniffled into Draco's shoulder a little more. "Yeah, I know. I'm just … lonely."

The blonde nuzzled Harry and moved his mouth down to the other boy's lips. They began to kiss passionately, and maneuvered themselves into a better position on the bed, the blonde haired boy leaning over the brunette.

James and Sirius watched the bathtub with wide eyes, occasionally muttering things like, "Wow", "Ooh," and "How do they…?"

Sirius, with his mouth still wide open, turned to James and found his friend smiling. "Ah," James said, "My little boy is all grown up, being ravished for the first time! And he's just like his father!" Prongs was glowing with pride.

Sirius could understand the 'first time' remark, but…

"What the hell do you mean, 'Just like his father'?"

James gasped and threw a hand over his mouth. (A little too late.) "I… Well, I, uh…"

Padfoot stared at him suspiciously, his eyes narrowing in that scary way. "…You mean… you mean you _did it _with Lucius Malfoy?!"

This got Prongs to being nostalgic again. "Ah, my first boyfriend… Those were the days…"

"You _did it_ with _Lucius Malfoy?!"_

James got almost defensive. "Hey, they didn't call him Luscious Lucius for nothing! And I'll have you know I'm not the only one!" He looked around nervously. "Frank Longbottom did it too! _And _Cornelius Fudge! …Of course, that was before Luc started going out with Sev…"

Sirius shook his head. "Okay, weird. I'm going to bed now…" And he started to the couch in the living room.

James followed him. "Hey, what are you doing? Aren't you going to sleep in my room?"

Sirius looked at him, a little freaked out. "No way! Not after that!"

Prongs looked hurt. He kneeled down in front of his friend and quivered his lip a little.

"Hey, no. None of that! _I'm _the dog here! Only _I_ get to use the puppy face!" But he couldn't resist such a pathetic look. He sighed. "…Oh, alright."

James squealed and jumped up, running into the bedroom and hopping on the big bed, with Sirius several yards behind him. He came in slower, sad down on the bed and stripped off his robes (which he just realized he was still wearing, even though nobody else in Heaven had them on). Then he got under the covers and closed his eyes.

Everything was silent for a moment, and then he opened his eyes. James was laying next to him, staring at him happily.

"I'm so glad you're here. I've missed you a lot!" Sirius only stared at him, and James smiled back with bright eyes.

"Goodnight, Paddy!" he said with a big grin.

Sirius smiled softly. "Goodnight, Prongs."

The End of What is Still the Beginning

Wow, that turned out to be a lot longer and quite a bit sappier than I had anticipated. But I still love it to pieces, just for no reason. It wasn't so bad, was it? Well...

**_Please review!!_**

Lol. I do love reviews! And since we're on the topic of what I like, I like it when people read my other stories! lol. Wishful thinking, I know, but oh well. Thank you for reading my story and all, and sorry it was so weird!


	3. Nearer to the Middle of Forever

Isn't He Dead Yet? - by Kloudy Reignfall

Summary: James and Sirius are reunited at the gates of Heaven. ...But isn't there someone important missing? They soon begin to wonder if their dear friend Remus is _ever_ going to die.

Disclaimers: Me no own Harry Potter.

Warnings: Slash._You mean that boy-on-boy stuff?_Yeah, that stuff. Oh yes, and some CRACK. (Though slightly less crack than previous chapters. ...I think.)

To my dear reviewers...**I love you!** Thank you for actually bothering to read chapter two. And thank everybody who survives this chapter for bothering to read chapter three! I wish I could give presents to each and every one of you, because you are the people that make the world go 'round! Or at least ffn. And that's close enough.

Chapter Three - Somewhere nearer to the Middle of Forever

Sirius woke up alone the next morning. New sunlight was pouring through the western window in James' bedroom but he didn't bother to wonder why. He was more concerned with where in the world Heavens his friend was. He couldn't help but still feel a little apprehensive about the whole situation. After all, he had just recently been killed! That sort of thing really tended to make a person a bit paranoid.

Pulling himself out of bed, Sirius yawned and stretched tiredly. You'd think that in Heaven everybody would get a good night's sleep every night, but such was, apparently, not the case.

He wandered lazily into the living room and blinked in the intense morning light. Turning to the little kitchen, he half expected to see his friend cooking breakfast in an apron, a bright smile on his face. But the room was empty and a little dark. Really not the sort of room you think of when you think of Heaven. Since James was not there, he tried the bathroom, hoping maybe to find his friend watching someone in the bathtub again. But the man wasn't there either.

Perplexed at not being able to find Prongs in this unbelievably tiny little apartment, and a little worried about being so alone, Sirius ventured to the front door and peeked out into the hallway, hoping that, for some odd reason, James would be there.

Upon sticking his head out into the hallway, Padfoot discovered that his friend was _not _pointlessly standing outside. Nor was he pointfully standing outside. He was not outside at all. There was, however, a really wrinkly and droopy old lady sitting in a rocking chair outside the door across the hall. She was cutting old magazine articles up and pasting different words onto another sheet of paper. An equally droopy St. Bernard dog was lying by her side. It glared at Sirius. The little old lady smiled.

"Oh, are you the friend that James is always talking about?" she asked sweetly, though in a rather annoying scratchy old-person voice. "Such a nice, sweet young boy, James is," she added as an afterthought.

Sirius blinked. This really did seem just a little too cliché. But whatever. Perhaps the woman knew something about where his friend was. "Yes, Ma'am," he answered, as politely as he could. He knew old ladies liked that kind of thing in "young people". "Do you happen to know where he might have gone?"

The lady thought for a moment, her fingers never ceasing the incessant snipping and pasting. "Yes, I did see him about an hour ago, I do believe. He said he was getting ready for a trip or something, if I remember correctly."

Sirius pondered that. A trip? What exactly was James planning…? Oh well. He'd see when he got home. He hoped it would be soon though. He didn't like being in this place alone. And that old lady's dog kept staring at him funny.

He thanked the old lady for her help and pulled his head back inside. Guessing that James could be home at any minute he decided to get cleaned up. He took some clothes from his friend's dresser and went into the bathroom. As he dressed he looked around the room. His eyes fell upon the little satchel of fairy-dust stuff, the stuff he had seen James sprinkle into the bathtub the previous night. Maybe he could use some to find out where James was. But no, it probably only worked for people on earth. And besides, he had a better idea.

Padfoot was suddenly overcome with the curious urge to spy on someone. He remembered the conversation they'd had last night and decided on his target.

Lucius.

He grinned malevolently as he took a pinch of powder and, mimicking his friend from last night, sprinkled it on top of the water in the tub. It swirled into mist and when the mist cleared there came an image of a blonde man, sleeping peacefully in a large cushioned bed hung with dark green silk.

Randomly, Sirius leaned forward over the water's surface and touched glassy image. It rippled and faded into another scene. It seemed to be Lucius' dream.

He leaned a little closer. "Hey…" He blinked a couple times. "Is that…!"

_(Insert Imaginative Scene Here)_

But just then, Sirius heard a noise at the front door. James must be home.

"Shit!" Sirius yelled quietly. He drained the water from the tub and scrambled out of the bathroom. James was in the kitchen putting some groceries away. He looked up and smiled when he heard his friend.

"Good morning, Paddy!" he said brightly. "Sorry I left without telling you. I just wanted to get some stuff before you woke up."

Sirius blinked at James. And then he scowled. That voice, that smile. They were the same voice and smile that he must have used for Lucius all those years back. And here he was, using them on him! It drove him crazy! And why? Was it… jealousy? Or maybe he had really just missed James _that much_ and he was just now realizing it. Whatever it was, it made him unbelievably pissed!

An angry Sirius was a scary Sirius. But what was even worse was an angry, _horny_ Sirius. And after that little display he saw in the bathtub just moments ago, he sure as Hell was horny! And he was going to do something about it.

Narrowing his eyes at his clueless friend, Sirius lunged and tackled him to the hard kitchen floor. He forced a rough kiss on his unsuspecting victim. James' eyes widened in surprise. He broke away long enough to gasp at Padfoot, "What the Hell was that for? What are you doing?"

Sirius growled. "What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"

A quizzical look came upon James' face. "Well, yeah, but… _here?_"

"Dammit!" Sirius yelled, exasperated, angry, and even hornier. "_Yes, here_!" He took another dive at the still-stunned deer.

Prongs broke free again, with some difficulty. "Wait!" he gasped. "I got some stuff when I went out." He picked up the bag he'd dropped when he'd been tackled and extracted a can of whipped-cream. He sprayed some into his hand and -

**(THE REMAINDER OF THIS SECTION WAS EDITED FOR CONTENT DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE MATERIAL. PLEASE EXCUSE ANY INCONVENIENCE.)**

The End of what is Somewhere nearer to the Middle of Forever 

Ok, so I know it sort of cut off rather abruptly, but hey, what can I say? Oh, if someone wants to write me a nice raunchy scene to insert there (or the other Insert), I surely wouldn't mind. :innocent smile:

Oh yeah, **Does begging for reviews really work?** :puppy-dog face:

And sorry for any mistakes or anything. If you catch anything that's noticably bad, please let me know!

'Til next time! -Kloudy Reignfall


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